I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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