I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Randomize
