I'm so fucking centered right now
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
