I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
They took my balls.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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