dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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