Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize