The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
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I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
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We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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