I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
