He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
