I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
