When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
