I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
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I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
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As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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