i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Don't tell me you're on acid again
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
