some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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