I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
The beers last night were like the tears from god
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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