I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he was CRYING into my vagina
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
