i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Randomize
