i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
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she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
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I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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