come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
