it wasn't lemon gatorade
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
