I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
