Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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