True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize