I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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