The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I smell like Dick and happiness
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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