allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
