I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
