The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
