Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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