remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
