I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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