I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
home. puking in laundry basket.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
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