you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
