When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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