I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
