why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
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