He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
