I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
