I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
