My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
