And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
