my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
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I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
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We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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