just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
