I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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