Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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