im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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