my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
