I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
