Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
