im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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