I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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