You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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