There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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