You're so nebulous sometimes
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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