she looked like the bat from fern gully.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
