I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize