I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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