I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He better not be in your backpack
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
