I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
